writeLOVER

Am I going to be single forever? Certainly feels as such, but I hope it will not be my reality. Currently, from where I’m standing, it seems that way. Just as the next person, I do crave a deeper connection with someone who I can call my own. Women want to be provided for, protected and accept the installment of knowledge while receiving attentive behavior from a man.

I’ve already had various types of men that fall under as “my type” as far as looks, loyalty, and heights of love reached. In most recent years, my desires have have fell back to get an upgrade with my standards and what I see for my future that I’ll share with someone. I first would have to walk with a open and accepting vibe to put my willingness out there to be approached by the kind of person who firsts meets my standards as we get to know one another playing at the forefront, not agreeing or signing up for something solely based on how he makes me feel, which I have done in the past. Physical appearance has never been what I lead with when it comes down to being attracted to someone, although it’s rare I sacrificed in that department. Many years later since my last relationship, attempting to get back in the dating saddle, seeing if these men now a days offer and lead with romance, providing, protection with a sturdy life experience track record, and I have come to find out unfortunately it is not what it is being giving these days.

Do not get me wrong, I want to be in love with another person but to be honest, maybe I do not put myself out there as if I want a relationship and I stay removed from situations where I could be approached. Could be due to where I am meeting these men, because if I was playing pickleball on the rich side way of town, I would be willing to make myself available allowing myself to be approached by somebody’s son. Yet, I am not positioning myself on the other side of town or even responding to messages I receive on dating sites. The small talk I am not a fan of and re-learning person after person is not appealing, but I can not lead with what I am NOT a fan of IF I am seeking a connection with somebody’s charismatic investing son.

I see the reels of what I call “Beauty and The Beauty”, where they are both 10’s, of then same age, seem to be living in luxury AND enjoying each others company.

I see the reels of the 6 with the 10, of the same age, splitting everything including expenses and date nights. They laugh on camera and seem to thoroughly enjoy one another’s company. I have been on both sides of that coin and ultimately that is not what I am rushing to sign up for again, at all.

I see the videos of the older gentlemen, likely of a different race than his younger high maintenanced attractive companion. They have a strong awareness of the roles they play. He provides a valued lifestyle that is not limited to eating well, great healthcare, shopping sprees, WITH the addition of generous amounts of attentiveness and affection, protective demeanor, and this extra level of commitment he provides her with makes him a chart topping man, no matter his physical appearance. Regretfully so, I do not think I have had this particular experience for more than two days but the now more evolved me says THIS IS what I desire for myself. These levels of a well fitted relationship is what I WILL manifest for myself.

I have heard all the USEFUL tips and skills to add to my divine feminine to enhance my dating resume yet I’m just not actively exercising them as I should be if I in fact desire a connection. Maybe subconsciously I am telling myself I am not ready for the responsibility that comes with being apart a relationship with a man. It would mean I would have to take sacrifice and take blind leaps with MY time and energy, secondly share myself with the mere hope of luring to spark a special connection. If I wanted this said special connection with another person, I would mean making myself available, placing myself in situations to get approached by men, yet I have not been putting myself out there. I am kicking myself right now. Lol. The desire for my own company clearly outweighs the desire I have in positioning myself to get took, unfortunately and I am left with a disappointing feeling that leaves me with a heavy hallow gut feeling instead of the feel of butterflies in my stomach that I wish to instead feel. Who knows how long this will carry on and I am knowingly missing opportunities to add excitement, exploration, and more to my life while I am in this personal quarrel with myself. Why can’t men just know I want to date and they somehow contact me?! Oh the ease of it all, meanwhile I am being difficult and it’s not benefitting me.

I guess it is safe to say, I am not ready to make myself available for whatever subconscious reason that is holding me back. Eventually, I will get tired of being to myself, so much so, I will then position myself to be get catered to by someone’s gentleman of a son, right? I sure hope so. Hopefully, it is true about what they say about timing, and how it is everything. It’s just not and has not been my season for love for several years now, but I look forward to a change in pace.